Just read this great post at Notes From the Trenches, and just had to throw in a big AMEN here on my site. Chris talks about how we’ve gone so far to protect our kids from the scrapes of childhood that we’ve taken the fun out of outdoor activities and it’s no wonder they just sit inside and want to play video games all day. She also talks about how we as parents feel compelled to justify every action we take that might be perceived the wrong way by another parent.

How I parent is not an indictment of your parenting. Nor is how you all parent an indictment of mine.
I wish more people would remember that.
We should get it printed on t-shirts.

Now obviously, we ought to protect our children’s lives. Things like helmets and sunscreen are a good idea. But judging each other because they’re not doing it the way we would is not. Before I had kids, I had all kinds of judgements about what parents were doing. In preparation for parenting, I was keeping a mental list going of things I would NEVER let my kids do. They included things like playing at a McDonalds Playland – doesn’t everyone know those places are germ ridden? LOL- yeah right. Now of course, I realize that you have to do what works for you and your child, and assume that other parents are doing the same.

Let’s all get in a circle and sing Kum Ba Ya now, k? Don’t forget to sway and wear your gold lame’ scarf.

This is probably going to be a long winded post, all potties and going #2 related stuff, so feel free to just skip over it. I won’t be offended. I’m writing it because I have found the accounts of other parents going through potty training, particularly with rather strong-willed children, to have been particularly helpful lately and I hope it will be helpful to someone who might be struggling along like we have been.

Big J is heading towards 4 this July and he’s been going #1 in the potty for over 6 months with almost no accidents. By about last Fall we knew he was in control of when he went in his diaper and was just refusing to use the potty, so we decided to have a “Big Boy Day”, with a cake and a present and little friends to help celebrate. You never know if something like that is going to do the trick, but surprisingly, he went #1 that day and has no accidents since the first 2 weeks or so. #2… now that’s another story. Nothing on earth, no stickers, candy, toys… nothing would prevail upon him to do #2 in the potty. He would just wait until naptime and go in his underwear, and the resulting mess so awful, I just resorted to letting him wear pull-ups after several weeks of yucky messes.

Recently I began to think it was time to try again, and was considering doing some naked potty training, and when Big J complained about putting a pull-up on by himself last week, I decided it was time. He complained about being naked. “Big boys need bottom clothes mom!!” So, I let him wear some really loose boxer type shorts. That day, we sat on the potty every hour or so and he talked as if he was going to use it when the time came, but that was not the case. I caught him trying to go while playing outside, and he pitched a giant conniption fit when I sat him on the potty. I cheered him on, encouraged him, told him it was going to get stuck and the doctor would have to put on a rubber glove and go in a get it, sang the poopoo song… yes… I made up a poopoo song. I know you’ll not sleep tonight unless I tell you the words so here it is:

Goin’ on the potty train, uh uh uh (those are “pushing sounds”)
Gonna push some poopoo out, uh uh uh
Push it out, shove it out, waaaaaaaaay OUT!

Oh dear. It was a challenge for me. I’m just not a song and dance kinda gal. Little D helped me- he did some hand motions to go along with the song. It seemed to be working. Big J stopped screaming, and laughed at us a little bit. But, after a while with only one very small result and lots of stubborn refusal, I gave up and took him off the potty. I didn’t give him back his underwear though. He stayed neked until Daddy got home. By the way, I think they ought to permanently change the spelling of the word “naked” to “neked”. Don’t you?

When Daddy got home, we decided to put into action a plan that someone had said worked very well for them. We did it because we knew that for Big J it was not a fear thing or a developmental thing, but rather it was a control thing. “You can’t make me.” You might think this is horrible, and we were really on the fence as to whether it was a good idea because all the stuff you read about potty training says you should never push a child to go potty. Encourage them, reward them, and make them clean up their own messes as much as possible, but never push them. Well, we had already fallen into the trap of pushing too much, so… we decided to go all the way. We told Big J that if he refused to go, we were going to put some medicine in his bottom and then he would go in the potty, whether he wanted to or not. We thought that maybe, once he experienced it, he would realize it was just not that big of a deal. So using these handy glycerin suppositories we “helped” him to do the deed.

Over the next several days, he got closer and closer to doing it himself, and I sat in the bathroom with him, encouraging, singing and generally trying to help, with the same result each day. Still, we were definitely making progress. Then today, I caught him trying to use his underwear again, sat him on the potty again with much protesting and I just walked away. I didn’t say a word to him. I was disappointed we still seemed so far from the goal and gave up trying to encourage him. A couple of minutes later he called me to the bathroom to see what he had done. He did it! I realized then, by walking away, he no longer had anyone to resist. He’s a strong-willed boy. His natural instinct is to resist when I’m encouraging him to do something.

I know many would say that we should’ve just waited and let him take the lead on this, and I’m sure that would have worked eventually, after 100 pairs of dirtied underwear. Many would probably say we were crazy to “make” him go, but… if you have kids, you know that sometimes going along with “conventional wisdom” is not always the right thing for your child. Every child is different. If this hadn’t worked after today, we were going to the fall-back position of just having him clean himself up (as much as possible) every time. It’s not something you can continue for very long.

Here he is enjoying his reward. This little rocket is a great toy. Maybe he’ll stomp out some of that endless supply of energy.

Here endeth the excrement talk. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

I knew this was coming. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened sooner. We were in McDonalds and Big J pinched a little girl. I know it’s not that Big J is trying to be mean- he is a sweet boy who loves it when there are other kids around to play with. This is just standard 3 year old inappropriate behavior that we’re working on correcting. But, this time his inappropriate behavior happened right in front of the little girl’s mother. She responded by telling him in sort of a nasty tone that he needed to keep his hands to himself. And I was embarrased. More than I should have been, I know, but this was the first time he had been reprimanded by a stranger. Of course, I know it wasn’t a big deal, but it reminded me of possibly the stupidest moment of my adolescence and I suddenly identified with my parents in a whole new way.

I was around 11 years old, and was attending a private Christian school. Because of the way the schoolwork was set up, I had worked far ahead and was asked to help with the kindergarten class now and then. I was feeling rather full of myself, thinking I was so smart. Well, pride goeth before a fall, right? Yeah, I was about to learn that lesson. I took several of the little kids over into the church building to work on flash cards, and as they were heading outside afterwards I hung around in the church building piddling around. Remember those black signboards that all the churches used to have with the little white letters that fit into the grooves? Well, this church had one of those and I had a sudden impulse to rearrange the letters since no one was looking. Won’t that be funny?! And, no one will ever know it was me! (I’ve always been WAY too impulsive) So, I hastily spelled out some other things with the letters, one of which was really not nice and even included a bad word. (I am cringing as I type this. What an idiot.)  Well, as it turns out, there was someone looking, and the little tattle-tale ran off and told the principal of the school, who proceeded to call my parents and tell them all about it, even though I assured him that I had been momentarily demon-possessed and could therefore not be held accountable.

I’ve always felt terrible about how my actions that day reflected on my parents, but it wasn’t until that moment at McDonalds, that I got a very, very small taste of how embarrasing it must have been for them.