Okay, now that Big J is getting older, I am of course running into issues that I have no clue how best to deal with. My best friend’s daughter is over to play and Big J hits her. She runs to me and says in a tattle-taley kind of voice, “Miss Randa, he hit me!” (Let me interject here that my friend and I discipline each other’s kids since they spend a lot of time with each of us, and she’s trying to nip the tattling instinct in the bud.)
So, what’s the right way to deal with this situation? I want to know when Big J is doing something like hitting, but tattling is just as bad in my mind as it shows a mean-spirited desire to get someone else into trouble. What will I do with Little D is big enough for this to be an issue? In the case this morning, I punished Big J for hitting and I punished the tattling, just a bit lighter. My main question is, what should the RULE be? Don’t come to me unless someone is bleeding or property is being damaged? What if you have a kid who really needs some correction for something like hitting and he never does it in your presence? How do you know it’s happening?
Advice please…
5 Comments
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:23 pm
First, rules are tough to apply. Guidelines are better. For instance, aggressive violence was a no no, but self defense might be handled differently.
I think you handled the situation just right from the sounds of it. Read my story on a hitting incident at http://myfamilylifeblog.com/?p=13 too.
March 3rd, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Even though I don’t have boys, but even my daughter used to grab toys from my friend’s girl, who’s 1.5 years younger than mine, or sometimes pushing her. She’s almost stopped doing it now, after me & my husband talked many times with her that she shouldn’t be hitting, being rude, grabbing toys from other children, that she should be nice to babies, and share all her toys, otherwise they just won’t come to play with her anymore.
And we were reinforcing that message every time just before we had friends with children over, reminding her to be nice or else they won’t come anymore. Also asking her, isn’t it nice when others share toys with her and play nicely.
Now, knowing that her friends are coming over, she’s saying herself: “I shouldn’t be rude to J. I shouldn’t grab toys. I should share”. And she indeed does her best at keeping those promises.
It took as awhile to get there, but eventually we did.
I think the secret here is prevention, not punishment. Punishment doesn’t work, kids get defensive but rarely change.
Hope this help. Good luck!
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:55 pm
I hate tattling as a mom, it is a hard situation to deal with. So much of the time you cannot tell what really happened. How do you know the tattler is telling the truth. Is he exaggerating? How to deal with it changes with age. I think you might have to treat it a bit differently with brothers and sisters than when friends are playing together. 1) Have kids always report if some one is in danger or has gotten hurt 2) Teach kids to learn to take care of situations themselves with Christ-like actions 3) Teach them to evaluate whether they need to tell, or is it none of their business, especially with friends. Are you being a busy-body, nosey? 4) Help them to think about what their motive is, getting someone else in trouble or truly intervening in a bad situation. If you have a child who is always telling on others with friends and it is noticeable, I would rather have my child let a lot of things go (that would normally be corrected in our house) than to become labeled as a tattler. It is most unbecoming. Most people don’t enjoy those kind of kids.
March 4th, 2009 at 1:53 am
Thanks for the comments! Very helpful! I especially like the idea of teaching kids to evaluate what their motive is for telling. I agree that reinforcing the positive is always the thing to do – it’s proactive. However, I also believe that discipline is a necessary part of parenting. When children willfully act in ways they know to be wrong, discipline is in order.
My friend and I discussed it and decided to tell the kids to first talk to the “offender” and tell them they don’t like what they’re doing. If the offender continues, then they should remove themselves from the situation- go to a different room, etc. If we ask why they aren’t playing any more, then they can tell, but not unless asked. We told the kids this would be the best motivation for their playmates not to do rude things, hit, etc. if they were consistently being left alone.
April 3rd, 2009 at 9:58 pm
So, I’m not a parent, but I think that “tattling” is an important part of growing up. And though you might want to stop this process, I think you should encourage it. It seems silly, but think about it in a business sense. What if someone had tattled WAY earlier on Enron? The world would be in a much better place. But again, that’s ethics, and I’m not a parent, but it seems like a good idea to encourage it and who knows? Maybe she’ll save us from some crooks one day!